Try Rolling on Your Make-Up

“You should try rolling on your make-up,” my daughter, Billie said determined to improve on the “look” God gave me.

“Do I need a trowel too?” I’m no Gisele Bundchen, but I didn’t know I needed as much renovation as a 200-year-old farmhouse.

“No, it’s the new applicator trend.”  Billie laughed. (Why does she always laugh at me, I’m getting a complex.) “It’s a pinkie wide mini foundation roller.  It helps you smooth on your make-up evenly and with better coverage.”

“Seriously? By the time it rolled over my pointy chin and got caught up in my wrinkles I’d look like a zebra.”

“But a very young zebra.”

“ I don’t care how well it works. The only roll-on I’m using is my deodorant.  Otherwise, one sleepy morning I’ll roll make-up on my armpits and deodorant on my face.”

“I understand when you get old it’s hard to tell your pits from your face.” 

“Watch the old cracks,” I fired back. “Just because my face is growing more hair than my pits is no reason to be insulting. Next thing you’ll want is for me to try a see-through bra and thong.”

“You should see the new Paris line at Screw-You-Wear.  Lime green lace bra with matching thong.”

“Explain to me Billie, how paper-thin lace and a fishing line strap can support anything.”

“They’re sexy, not supportive.”

“How much does sexy cost, because I can be supportive for twenty bucks?”

“$375”

“You expect me to spend $375 on a sag bag, and a pantie that is held together by squeezing my butt cheeks?”

“Well, yeah.” Billie was starting to loose her patience with me. “You could at least spring for a pretty lined underwire version.”

“No way am I putting a wire anywhere near my underpants.”

“In the BRA mom!”

“Oh, it might work if they’re using heavy duty baling wire.  How do I keep the panties on?”

“Instead of a thong, you can get lace panties with spandex.”

“There are two words that do not go together: lace and spandex.”

“I take it this means you are not trying the underwear or the make-up roller?”

“Actually, I think I’ll buy the make-up roller and use it to roll the cellulite into my granny pants.”  The phone line went silent.  “Billie, are you there?”  I cannot believe she hung up on me AGAIN.