United…The Don't Care Air

(In support of all the people who were recently “inconvenienced” by United Airlines in the highly publicized mechanical problems stranding customers, I am reposting an essay I wrote about our similar experience.)

United…The Don’t Care Air. I submitted that statement to United Airlines management as a suggestion for their new motto, after experiencing why they can no longer say, “Fly the Friendly Sky’s of United.”  I’ve flown numerous airlines and experienced my share of problems that delayed or cancelled my flights, but after the second debacle with United and their piss-ant-we-don’t-care-attitude, I am DONE.

In early December, we were traveling home through Denver, which was in the middle of a major snowstorm.  A United employee at our origination airport responded to this pre-holiday crisis by closing the customer service counter at 1:30 p.m. saying he will not help anyone else in line because his shift was over. When customers asked if someone else was taking over, the man said “nope.” (I refuse to say which airport on the grounds next time I fly there; I will be subjected to a body cavity search in retaliation.) But I will say the next man in line was a serviceman in uniform trying to get back on time to his base. We asked the employee to at least help him, and he gave us a dirty look and said, “No!”

At a nearby gate podium the worker (I should say employee as he was not even attempting to work) walked away, without saying a word, never to return, without helping anyone. Are you freaking kidding me!  Two hours later, there was still no one at that counter or the gate and the travelers’ debacle, which would culminate in the cluster at Denver International Airport, was on. What kinds of dumb asses are running these airports and airlines?  No wonder the every day airport working stiff behaves like a snot-nosed teenager on a power trip when those in charge of policies don’t have the brains God gave a wooden duck.  I apologize to all the cute wooden ducks I just insulted, but you must admit you are too dumb to dive when a hunter shoots at you.

In the end, the United employees in our origination city ran away and hid so they didn’t have to talk to soon-to-be-stranded customers. We were literally being herded to Denver, where tens of thousands of us would be held in cow pens (they called them gates) until we were shipped off to our final market.  Just slaughter me now.

Finally arriving in the snow encrusted Denver we tried to board our flight on the second-leg of our journey. We and eight other people were not allowed on the plane.  We had boarding passes, but the gatekeeper bumped us to put on some standbys (and we learned they were the standbys at the bottom of the list).  I can only assume they were her friends or family, or someone slipped her a bribe.  She laughed, literally laughed, at all our open-mouthed faces and said, “It’s weather, too bad, I don’t have to do anything for you.”  Weather…my chocolate-ice-cream-eating fat ass!!!!  Thank you very much United, for another candidate for employee-of-the-year.  Are Human Resources training with the employee handbook from a P.O.W. camp?  I’m telling you, these Gestapo employees scared the Beetlejuice right out of me.

Five minutes later Darth Gater, smirked at us as she entered her code in the employee lounge door and walked in. Those of us who were standing in the 4-hour long customer service line can tell you the code to get in the employee lounge the next time you are stuck in Denver, as the Gate Nazi entered her code where we all could see it. By the way TSA, you might want to recode that door, as I am pretty sure I saw a billboard on I-70 showing the code and location.

Now we were stuck, in a long line, in a snowbound city instead of laying over in a nice warm bed at our daughter’s house until it was clear to fly again. Thanks, United!

Since George and I were stranded we decided to conduct a scientific study, which involved notes on toilet paper, and beer chasers. For two days we moved from gate to gate watching and listening. We found travelers to be polite, fun, tired, drunk (what else is there to do) and while they hated being stranded they knew you couldn’t do anything about it.  The gatekeepers were the polar opposite. And should all be transferred to the Poles…North and South, not Krakow and Warsaw. They were curt at best and evil at worst.  My deepest sympathy (insert sarcastic tone here) to the poor, overworked, gatekeeper that was forced to endure the travelers from Russia who did not understand how “our system” worked.  The Russians were polite, but confused, and Zuul The Gatekeeper was rude from his first breath and told them, “I do not care, rent a car and drive to your destination.”  The U.N. should hire that guy.

If your panties are up your who-haw wanting to defend the numerous badly behaved gatekeepers, save the saliva…I know they had to deal with some assholes. I also know there are great employees, and we found an awesome lady who helped us. (Guess what…she DIDN’T work for United, but for DIA.)  However, I worked in customer service arenas for 20 years and anywhere I worked if you treated people the way these United employees did, you did not even get a warning…you were handed your crayons and told to go home. 

I say to all the nice people I’ve met over the years working at the Denver airport in TSA, airport help desks, restaurants, shops, restrooms…you are awesome.  Sorry I won’t be seeing you again, I no longer fly United and will be drinking my layovers elsewhere.  And to United management who ignores letters of complaints, and your nasty airport employees (you know who you are), I wish you a lifetime filled with people who treat you exactly the way you treat them.

(It’s been 19 months since that trip and I’ve not flown United since. They don’t care…and neither do I.  See, I told you Don’t Care Air was the perfect slogan for them.)