A couple months after we moved into our house a
representative from the electric company called concerned because the electric
bill had decreased from $600 a month to $150.
WTH!
I told her, “I have monkey-like feet so I climbed the power
pole, hooked a new line into the transformer, slid down the line like
Spiderman, and then disconnected the meter box.”
“That action is illegal,” She said reading from what sounded
like a bad B-movie script.
Is she on medication?
“Well gee ma’am we hook the meter up one
week a month so you get some money.”
Silence ensued while she tried to find the answer in her
script to my response. “You can’t do
that.”
Oh for heavens sake, that’s the best response she could come
up with. “Look lady you interrupted my
busy day (I was watching The Price is Right) to either: 1) demand I use more
electricity or 2) accuse me of stealing it.”
“Ma’am your usage is not normal and we need to know why.” What the banana fart! Do we now have
electricity Nazi’s requiring us to remain addicted to their expensive power grid?
“No, what’s not normal
is the six snowboarders who lived here before us and ran a broken down electric
furnace 24/7 with half the burners not working and also had enough grow lights
to illuminate New York.”
“It is nice to have lots of plants.” OMG, she really is
dumb. I’m starting to feel sorry for her, which is never a good sign.
“I could hook you up with those dudes and you could buy lots
of beautiful plants from them. I hear
you can even cut the plant and throw it in your fireplace this winter and it
will make your house smell festive for company. If you like to bake, you can
put their plants in your brownies too.” I know I should feel bad about my behavior
and try to be a better person…ah hell, who am I kidding? “You could even plant your own and then sell
them.”
“That would be lovely.
Maybe some day I’ll have the extra time.”
Damn, my conscience (I hate that little guy). “Look, the reason our bill is so much lower
is we do not use the broken electric furnace at all, we heat with a wood
stove. And there is only two of us, not
the six dudes and their girlfriends living here.”
“That makes sense. And I will consider getting more plants
for our house.” She said. “Have a nice day.”
“You too, and don’t forget the grow lights.” OMG I am going to hell.
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