What if Cows Gave Root Beer Instead of Milk?

It’s recently rained 29 out of 31 days in our mountain valley. Spending that much time indoors has led my brain to spend a lot of time in philosophical thought. For instance, I contemplated, what if cows gave root beer instead of milk?

My shredded wheat would be really good with ice cream.

The FDA and ADA would endorse “Root Beer, it does a body good.”  There would be a new ad campaign for “Got Root Beer?”

Instead of milking a cow, you would be rooting one. 

Sooner or later some fundamentalist numb-nut would say it’s alcoholic since it is a type of beer, and Congress would pass a law you must be 21 to drink it.  Next kids will start having illegal Root Beer parties. They’ll buy cows with their allowances and hide them in their rooms.  Parents will be arrested for contributing to the carbonation of a minor.

Moms will form the group MARB (Mother’s Against Root Beer).  They’ll protest the effects of excessive belching and sugar highs.  Soon Root Beer will not be enough; they’ll go after Mountain Dew and the Mormon religion will collapse when the Feds criminalize The Dew.

Arnold Schwarzenegger will head PEC:  The President’s council against Evil Cows.  Kids will respond with their own group PUC: Peeps Utilizing Cows.  With all the uproar Congress will outlaw cows and export them all to China.  There will be no more root beer or beef in the U.S.  China will control the underground cow market.  The U.S. economy collapses, and we are all forced to learn Chinese.

It won’t be so bad… Americans will adapt because we love Chinese Take-Out.