When I’m walking around the mountain resort I listen. Some
call it eavesdropping, but I say if you’re standing under a man-made climbing
apparatus yelling incorrect instructions at your kids, then you lost all rights
to privacy and I get to make fun of your dumb ass.
The conversation went like this:
“Unhook both those clips and move to the next platform.” The
dad yelled.
“For safety we were taught you unhook one at a time.” Smart
kid he listened to the instructor, while dad lounged under the sunshade puffing
out his chest and looking around to be sure others were listening while he
talked about his “important” job.
“Do what I told you.” Dad yelled.
“It doesn’t work, they’re made so you can only unhook one at
a time.” Smart resort: protecting themselves against ignoramus blow-hards.
Over the next few minutes I walked around the climbing arena
and listened to numerous parents yelling incorrect climbing techniques to their
kids. I finally had to leave or I was going to get one of the harnesses and
hook the idiot dad to a tree and stuff a set of instructions in his mouth to
shut him up so his kid could enjoy the climbing gym.
I have no idea how the actual experienced climbers working
here survive it. Climbing Mount Everest is easier than a summer listening to
these bozo parents.
Another example, it rained for a few minutes (it does almost
every afternoon in the mountains) and every one…yes sir, every fucking single
one of these people, ran for cover under tents. They were packed like pickles
in a jar under those flimsy tents. While the real adventurers continued their
hike, climb or bike ride down the mountain. It’s just water, no thunder or
lightening. If there were lightening I guarantee you the experienced people
were safe as they would be adhering to actual safety protocol, not holding on to
metal poles under a tiny sun shield tent waiting to light up like fireworks on
July fourth.
We also get tourists who sign on to whitewater raft and brag
they’ve ran class 4 rapids. Guides put them in the seat of power and
experience. Problem is they’re lying and now become a complete liability to the
entire raft. It took an army to keep my daughter from whacking one such male
shit magnet in the head with her paddle. He not only didn’t paddle because he
was scared shitless when his lie backfired, but had it not been for her and
another girl’s strength the result could have been horrific. After they got off
the river my daughter chewed him a new asshole, and swore never to whitewater
with tourists again.
Who are these people that lie for a living? I call them, Vacation Douches. VDs or Vacation Douches are those who need
instant gratification of the adventurous kind. They don’t want to work for the
adventure; they want it handed to them faster than the drive-through at
McDonalds and served on a silver platter. They like to drop a ton of cash on
boots and clothes to look the part. (Real
hikers buy gear early and break it in so they don’t get blisters or painful
feet, and they actually hike.) Donning that new gear they then drop a shit load
more money on man made amusement park stuff, and use their cell phone to take videos
and brag when they return to their jobs about the fancy adventure shit they did
on vacation. Not hardly. Why is it impossible for some people to admit they
took a casual, laid back vacation with beautiful scenery? Why must they fib
like a hooker stealing money from her pimp about their activities?
The true adventure was behind all these people. Literally,
behind them. The mountains (with real
grass, rocks, trees, flowers) and all they have to offer in adventure for all
skill levels, and they chose to experience things they could at their hometown
gym. They never experienced the
actual adventure, they had MANUFACTURED FUN.
I was sitting at The Deck at 9000 feet trying to enjoy the
view and a gin and tonic, when two families broke the peace of my day. The two
dads were loudly spouting absolute bullshit about climbing, pretending to be
experts, yet nothing coming from their mouths would ever be spoken by an actual
climber or climbing enthusiast. I decided to have a little fun.
Me: You seem to be
very knowledgeable about climbing so would you say Anker or Petzholdt is the
best?
Man: Let me see, I’d
say an Anker. (AN Anker? It’s not a
thing, it's a person.)
Me: Any specific
reason why?
Man: Just the
obvious. (This guy was practiced at universal bullshitting to make people think
he knew-it-all. I starred straight in his eyes with my best you’re a lying asshole
smirk.)
Me: Obviously…an experienced climber would
know all about Anker and Petzholdt.
What a fart smeller! A few minutes later they practically
ran for the Gondola to get away from me. I figure if the world is going to
place loud-talking, lying, assholes in my path, then the Universe is begging me to take them down a notch. I say to those two hoity-toity,
self-righteous men pretending to be peers of the great climbers Conrad
Anker and Paul Petzoldt here’s my middle finger.
Chill dude, It’s okey
dokey to take a totally safe, never-more-than-100 yards-from-a-flushing-toilet,
amusement park vacation; just do yourself
a favor and take a break from tall-tales…have a double-vodka, stop coaching
your kids like you’re a professional climber, and stop bragging you were on an
adventure vacation. Do not disrespect the REAL adventurers who
prepared for months, getting in shape, to spend their vacation hiking,
climbing, biking in the actual mountains. Those people deserve your respect.
