Manufactured fun for a manufactured life. (OR: Why do some tourists bother to come here if they never step into the mountains?)

When I’m walking around the mountain resort I listen. Some call it eavesdropping, but I say if you’re standing under a man-made climbing apparatus yelling incorrect instructions at your kids, then you lost all rights to privacy and I get to make fun of your dumb ass.

The conversation went like this:

“Unhook both those clips and move to the next platform.” The dad yelled.

“For safety we were taught you unhook one at a time.” Smart kid he listened to the instructor, while dad lounged under the sunshade puffing out his chest and looking around to be sure others were listening while he talked about his “important” job.

“Do what I told you.” Dad yelled.

“It doesn’t work, they’re made so you can only unhook one at a time.” Smart resort: protecting themselves against ignoramus blow-hards.

Over the next few minutes I walked around the climbing arena and listened to numerous parents yelling incorrect climbing techniques to their kids. I finally had to leave or I was going to get one of the harnesses and hook the idiot dad to a tree and stuff a set of instructions in his mouth to shut him up so his kid could enjoy the climbing gym.

I have no idea how the actual experienced climbers working here survive it. Climbing Mount Everest is easier than a summer listening to these bozo parents.

Another example, it rained for a few minutes (it does almost every afternoon in the mountains) and every one…yes sir, every fucking single one of these people, ran for cover under tents. They were packed like pickles in a jar under those flimsy tents. While the real adventurers continued their hike, climb or bike ride down the mountain. It’s just water, no thunder or lightening. If there were lightening I guarantee you the experienced people were safe as they would be adhering to actual safety protocol, not holding on to metal poles under a tiny sun shield tent waiting to light up like fireworks on July fourth.

We also get tourists who sign on to whitewater raft and brag they’ve ran class 4 rapids. Guides put them in the seat of power and experience. Problem is they’re lying and now become a complete liability to the entire raft. It took an army to keep my daughter from whacking one such male shit magnet in the head with her paddle. He not only didn’t paddle because he was scared shitless when his lie backfired, but had it not been for her and another girl’s strength the result could have been horrific. After they got off the river my daughter chewed him a new asshole, and swore never to whitewater with tourists again.

Who are these people that lie for a living? I call them, Vacation Douches. VDs or Vacation Douches are those who need instant gratification of the adventurous kind. They don’t want to work for the adventure; they want it handed to them faster than the drive-through at McDonalds and served on a silver platter. They like to drop a ton of cash on boots and clothes to look the part. (Real hikers buy gear early and break it in so they don’t get blisters or painful feet, and they actually hike.) Donning that new gear they then drop a shit load more money on man made amusement park stuff, and use their cell phone to take videos and brag when they return to their jobs about the fancy adventure shit they did on vacation. Not hardly. Why is it impossible for some people to admit they took a casual, laid back vacation with beautiful scenery? Why must they fib like a hooker stealing money from her pimp about their activities?

The true adventure was behind all these people. Literally, behind them. The mountains (with real grass, rocks, trees, flowers) and all they have to offer in adventure for all skill levels, and they chose to experience things they could at their hometown gym. They never experienced the actual adventure, they had MANUFACTURED FUN.

I was sitting at The Deck at 9000 feet trying to enjoy the view and a gin and tonic, when two families broke the peace of my day. The two dads were loudly spouting absolute bullshit about climbing, pretending to be experts, yet nothing coming from their mouths would ever be spoken by an actual climber or climbing enthusiast. I decided to have a little fun.

Me:      You seem to be very knowledgeable about climbing so would you say Anker or Petzholdt is the best?

Man:   Let me see, I’d say an Anker. (AN Anker? It’s not a thing, it's a person.)

Me:      Any specific reason why?

Man:   Just the obvious. (This guy was practiced at universal bullshitting to make people think he knew-it-all. I starred straight in his eyes with my best you’re a lying asshole smirk.)

Me:      Obviously…an experienced climber would know all about Anker and Petzholdt.

What a fart smeller! A few minutes later they practically ran for the Gondola to get away from me. I figure if the world is going to place loud-talking, lying, assholes in my path, then the Universe is begging me to take them down a notch. I say to those two hoity-toity, self-righteous men pretending to be peers of the great climbers Conrad Anker and Paul Petzoldt here’s my middle finger.

Chill dude, It’s okey dokey to take a totally safe, never-more-than-100 yards-from-a-flushing-toilet, amusement park vacation; just do yourself a favor and take a break from tall-tales…have a double-vodka, stop coaching your kids like you’re a professional climber, and stop bragging you were on an adventure vacation. Do not disrespect the REAL adventurers who prepared for months, getting in shape, to spend their vacation hiking, climbing, biking in the actual mountains. Those people deserve your respect.