You Can't Make This Up,,,Well I Could…But I Didn't

Read in our local paper about two guys who got in an argument over who stole coffee filters. One pulled a knife on the other, with a cop watching from the sidewalk (now that’s what I call bad luck). The moron ended up in jail and must post $15,000 cash bond and agree to refrain from drinking or possessing alcohol before being released. I was relieved to read alcohol was involved; otherwise that assjack would have to admit his family tree hadn’t forked in a few hundred years.

The story got even better, so hold your jiggly parts, as you won’t believe where the fight, and theft, occurred ---- on a church campus.  Holy Bible Batman! Stealing and fighting at church!

The knife-puller said he was smaller than the other guy so he was forced to pull his knife. However, when the “big” guy saw the knife, he simply punched the other in the nose. I love it! See knife, insert fist.

Thanks to using a knife this genius may have ten years to sit in government housing and think about why the saying never bring a knife to a gunfight should also include a fist-fight.

Why I Hide Out In The Mountains

Someone asked me yesterday, why I left my midwest home and moved to the cold, snowy mountains of Wyoming. Phone calls, I told her. Yes…phone calls.

My Aunt Wee (don't ask) called my mother and asked her over for dinner. The conversation below was relayed to me by all parties involved.

Mom:  I won't come unless you invite Merle too, as it's actually her turn to host a dinner. (Merle is their sister…no idea why my grandparents came up with these names, but it might explain why they're all bat shit crazy.)

Aunt Wee: I can invite anyone I want.

Mom: No you can't. You must be fair.

Aunt Wee: Put your crazy score card away, and just come over for dinner.

Mom: I will not. I have a movie I want to watch instead.

Aunt Wee: Why didn't you tell me there was a good movie on TV.

Mom: I didn't know I was suppose to tell you. Besides, you're having dinner guests.

Aunt Wee: I'm not having guests. I just invited you, and yes you are suppose to tell me if a good movie is on.

Mom: Well, I'm not coming because Merle is coming over to talk about finding a new Doctor since she can't go to the one replacing her Doctor who is moving.

Aunt Wee: Why can't she go to him?

Mom: Because he has facial hair.

Aunt Wee: I better call and talk to her.

Mom: You can't call her, it's not your turn.

Aunt Wee: Yes, I can and I'll also invite her to dinner tonight.

Mom: Fine! Then I'll stay home and watch a movie.

Now that I think about it, this was one of the least crazy conversations I've heard from them.

I Blame the Weather

We had our first freeze of the fall season last week. And yes it was only mid-August. We almost made it 90 days without the temp dropping below 32 degrees. It’s why I only use planters for my flowers. This way I can gather them all together in a huddle, cover them with a tarp, and they survive those early fall freezes. Anyway, that’s the theory. Which, would have worked just fine if the goofy human had remembered to take the tarp off them. Two days after the freeze our afternoon temp hit 85 and I decided to water the plants. Stepping onto the deck I was greeted by the tarp baking in the high altitude sun.

            I flipped the tarp off to discover wilted and dying plants. The freeze didn’t get them but human stupidity did. Two survived, and each day I look at them and swear they are cussing at me for being a horrible parent. (Dear God, how did I manage to raise two daughters?)

            I blame the weather. There is no call for being 29 degrees, then 36 hours later soaring to 85.  Whoever is in charge of temperature needs to adjust their attitude, along with the temps. If it’s a low of 29, then use your brain and allow only a 25-degree rise in temps for the day. You’ve got to account for boneheads’ behavior. Seriously, you can’t hold humans responsible for their actions. Where would this world be if we were each held accountable for what we do or don’t do? Why that’s called responsibility. Is that word still even in the dictionary?

            I’m going to spend the winter lobbying for a law that doesn’t allow a daily rise or fall in temperatures of more than 25 degrees. It’s not any dumber than most laws.

It's illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots

In Oklahoma it is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.  Phew, I’m glad I found this out before I let that goat try on my boots. It’s awesome that first, this would be a problem so big you needed a law; second, why and how are these animals getting in your boots?

I’m glad they were specific to boots, because I can so see taking your nanny goat to the shoe store to try on high-heels before you buy them.  After all, with her beautiful, skinny legs she can model while you sip a latte and watch. 

Why just farm animals?  That is totally discrimination!  I can let my giraffe wear my boots, but not my cow.  Well, that is just wrong.  And why only the hind legs? Seems like discrimination again to me.  What can they do with their hind legs in the boots that they can’t with their forelegs?  Ewe, yuck, wash your brain out; I cannot believe you were thinking that.  Although??? That might just have something to do with this law.

It was also pointed out to me that whaling is illegal.  Holy crap, I had no idea they even had whales in Oklahoma.  They really need the tourism board to advertise this more.

The most important law to me is they will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.  We need more useful laws like this instead of wasting our tax dollars on making it illegal to howl at a wolf in Wyoming.  (Next time you visit my great state remember I’m the one who saved you being arrested for howling…you’re welcome.)

I must admit I think Oklahoma City went a little far in protecting the great American hamburger when it became law no one may walk backwards downtown while eating a hamburger.  Seriously, when was the last time you walked backward downtown eating a burger?  I walk backward all the time, because I like to see where I’ve been.  But, I’d never do it with a hamburger.  I’d look stupid.  And we all know I NEVER do anything to look stupid.  I leave that to the snow-bubble mom’s with their flower painted nails, botoxed lips, cell phone implants, and spandex covered fake boobs.

Some other great laws to know about before you visit Oklahoma:

You can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.  So much wrong with this law, I can’t help that I was born with this mug.

You may not open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. I understand this one, cuz enginerds are always telling us normal folk how engineers know everything.

One’s mode of transportation must be tied up while not attended.  Next time you are in Oklahoma be sure to tie your car to the police car parked next to you.  I can vouch they really appreciate law-abiding citizens.

I Gave the UPS Man the Hot Oil Treatment

I decided to give my hair a leisurely hot oil treatment.  My stylist said to load up my hair with seamen (I mean serum…although, a bunch of seamen massaging oil in my hair sounds pretty good). After getting all oiled up she said to put a plastic grocery sack over my hair, cover it with my wool ski hat and relax.

After thinking about those seamen I can’t relax so I decided to work.  I was sitting at my computer trying to think with the swish, swish, swish of the plastic bag driving my OCD insane.  OK, let’s just say insaner than I am every day.  And yes, I know insaner is not a word according to Webster and his dictionary. But, think of how much fun it would be to put out your own dictionary every year.  I would definitootly include the word insaner.

After sharpening all my mechanical pencils it was apparent working was obviously not an option either, so I decided to do Wii Fit. Still in my robe, buck-naked, boobs flopping while jogging to animation, there was a knock at the front door.

“UPS,” he said, “we need a signature for your package.”

Ah crap.   “I’m not exactly presentable.  You know it’s me, can’t you just sign for me.”

“Wish I could, but you know the rules.”

I see the bottle of Windex sitting on the entry table where I left it last week hoping I’d clean the front windows.  My insaner brain has an idea…I pick it up.  “Here’s the deal.  You raise your hands where I can see them.  When I open the door you better not have a cell phone poised to take my picture or I’ll have to shoot.”

I hear him chuckle. “Deal.”  Damn, my UPS guy delivers enough packages here that he’s seriously not even afraid I might shoot him.

Slowly, I open the door, Windex bottle poised to fire.  “I swear if you laugh I will shoot you.”

“No worries, Mrs. MacKay,” he says with hands raised above his head, “Just sign and I’ll be on my way.”

I kept one hand on the Windex, signed with the other, and watched him for any sudden moves to go for a camera phone.  “I don’t suppose I could pay you not to talk about this back at the garage.”

“Not a chance,” he said laughing, running back to the truck.

I bent down to pick up the package and discovered my robe had come untied.   Definitootly, the last time I hot oil anything….ever!

I Want Bread That Never Gets Stale

According to one of those expert-types on a TV talk show, to know what you really want from life you should make a list every day of your wants.  He said after a few weeks a pattern will emerge and you can easily identify your true dreams.  I decided to try it since this guy billed himself as a “doc with years of training.”

            I want to know why a canvas with circles painted in red and orange is hanging in an art gallery with a $2000 price tag.  I painted better blobs when I was in kindergarten and no one paid me $2000. I want bread that never gets stale.  I want to know why I still can’t spell conspicuous (if it’s spelled correct here, the spell check fixed it).  I want a margarita. I want my baby toes to stop curling under.  I want another margarita. I want to know why green olives get stuffed with all kinds of things, but black olives don’t.  I want the word “dude” banned from the English language.  I want Flintstones vitamins in the color chartreuse.  I want world peace.  (I threw that in just in case I decide to enter the Mrs. America pageant someday.)

            Two weeks after I started this exercise the only pattern that emerged was that I needed psychological counseling.  I suspect the eminent author of this advice was looking for more profound wants.   However, I gave up wanting by “societies” definition when I moved to the mountains.  Living at high altitude gave me a new outlook on life.  Maybe it was just a lack of oxygen, but why bother wanting a Sex in the City wardrobe when I was happy in jeans and a Tee shirt.  I don’t care if Carrie Bradshaw once wore a pink tutu skirt, and a skimpy shirt with more bra showing than shirt…it’s not a fashion forward statement I wanted to copy.

When Bertie showed up at our local bar with yellow crime tape as shoelaces, no one thought she wanted to make a fashion statement.  She simply did not have any extra shoelaces so she improvised.  Seriously, what was Carrie Bradshaw’s excuse for that outfit?

            I want to know why a house with two people needs seven bathrooms.  There are plenty of other ways to conspicuously consume: seven Ferraris in the driveway, seven hot twenty-something’s vying for your affections, seven yearly vacations to Fiji.  Yet, some people really believe the number of crappers is related to their level of success.   My mother is one of them; she called to inform me that my cousin was so successful he was building a house with 10 bathrooms.  I told her their family must be awfully full of shit.  

            The number one want on my mother’s list is for a more obedient, less sarcastic daughter.  Which proves it doesn’t matter how many times you write down what you want, sometimes you’re not going to get it?

I want rocks.  They have wonderful personalities that live for procrastination.  It can take a rock tens of thousands of years to form into a sparkling piece of quartz or jasper.  During that time, the rock is happy to sit where it is through rain, drought, and ice ages. This kind of patience inspires me to drink coffee until noon, take a two-hour nap, and then work for 30 minutes. 

            I finally gave up the daily want list.  All I learned about myself was I didn’t want my life controlled by some anal, list-making, got-an-answer-to-everything-but-reality expert.  Hey maybe that guy was right after all!